Download the_din_21.htm Here is Draft  #2 version 1. I plan on going back to the Library of Congress get more info on primary sources. Then it is back to NARA and trying to track down the letter of Colonel Gregg. I found out that the letters of Thomas Keam are in CA. That's too far for me.

Comments

[Zeke]

Your introduction is pretty strong, straight-forward, and clear. The progression, from this point to the conclusion, is very smooth. One of the things that I had trouble with is maintaining an objective voice in an argument I feel strongly about; you do so amazingly well. The few anecdotes you chose fit into your story perfectly, and your research is obviously the result of very productive effort. Mechanically and methodically, your essay is very good.

That being said, there are several flaws in the flow and structure of your paper. First, there are still a decent amount of grammatical errors in your work. For example, last sentence, first paragraph, should have a colon after 'factors' and a semi-colon after 'traders.' You have a disproportionate number of sentences that begin with 'The,' 'This,' and 'They.' It seems as though you noticed that also, and forced in some awkward transitions, to include misusing 'In contrast' twice.

I also think that you should add more story to your anecdotes. You chose very effective ones, but you shortchange yourself by only scraping the surface. The individuals you mention (Chiefs, Ward, etc.) seem to have a huge impact on the situation; you should expand on that. This would also bring your paper closer to what the directions say: 10-12 pages/3500 words. Yours is 5 pages/1566 words. You did such good research, but you wrote this more like a 5 paragraph essay than a research paper.

Despite a lot of effort on the back-end, your product is only half of what the directions say. Because of this, I would give your paper a C.